The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Selfie
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Perfect
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?