Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders