Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
me when I see my crush
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)