MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
.. do you even science?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal