VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Would you wear it?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
A short story of betrayal:
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822