BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?