“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.