[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
beware of dog
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy