[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”