[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
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Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president