Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
#oldknees
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them