me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Dolls on drugs
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Lmao
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.