[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I don’t make the rules sorry
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.