Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
You Might Also Like
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Everything reminds me of my ex
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
they really do be looking like this
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok