So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
You Might Also Like
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Mornin