Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out