I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Weirdos gonna weird.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement