Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!