WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.