Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…