Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
why I oughta
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.