[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.