My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.