Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Merica.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Bros before Ohioes
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.