My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”