Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
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Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-