Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.