The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Uh oh…
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously