How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”