When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.