I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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You are what you delete.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.