I wish I were this cool 😂
You Might Also Like
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.