Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
a badder mouse
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?