My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
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*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Unimpressed
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*