When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.