Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.