I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.