the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[shakes fist at other fist]
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!