Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.