Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
thank god the sign was there
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move