“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
haha same
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush