You know I’m something of a chef myself
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
This a good idea
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.