India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
A friend sent me this.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.