[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
eggs benadryl
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
$3 #books
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this