*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I bet birds love this building.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.