Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.