Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Here’s a meme
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix