My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
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HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
when nothing goes right… go left
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I don’t think my car can fly
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”