ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?