ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.